One of the beauties of living on a holiday island is that you can invite friends and family to come and stay. Surprisingly they can never make it out of season so here is self confessed grumpy old man Frank Leavers’ Rulebook for all those annoying summer visitors, especially the ones that ‘can only come to see you’ in the first 2 weeks of August.
Rule 1) You are getting a FREE holiday, if you want a lift to and from the airport, book a flight that arrives/leaves at a reasonable time.
Rule 2) I am not God, the weather is nothing to do with me.
Rule 3) If you lay in the sun you will burn; if you don’t wear a bikini top someone will stare at your t*ts, get over it!
Rule 4) There is no such thing as a self-replenishing fridge – the occasional pack-of-beers, bottle of wine and bag of prawns will be most appreciated.
Rule 5) I am not a taxi service, if you intend to explore the island great stuff, well done – rent a car, even if it’s only for a day.
Rule 6) Switch off the bloody air-con in your room when you are not in it; have you seen the electricity dial thingy spin like buggery when the air-con is on?
Rule 7) NEVER say “what are WE doing today” as you will be physically removed from the premises.
Rule 8) I have never been to a SuperClub in my life and do not intend starting now.
Rule 9) If you insist on having ‘drinks’ at a frontline bar do not, repeat do not, complain to me that you were charged 15 euros for a gin and tonic – I really don’t care.
Rule 10) If you have enjoyed your holiday and your FREE stay with friends, why not take them out and treat them to dinner? Not a pizza parlour, nor a take-away Chinese joint, but a proper restaurant with linen tablecloths and waiters with long aprons and crisp white shirts; go on, you know you can do it.
Frank Leavers is a journalist, cricket aficionado and all round nice bloke. He can be heard weekdays on Radio One Mallorca.
"MAN IN SAN AN" by Martin Makepeace 
Oi, that frank geezer stole my memories
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