Seeing as you can only visit during the peak summer weeks (allegedly) here’s the rules…
1) You are getting a FREE holiday, if you want a lift from the airport then please don’t book a flight that arrives at 2am so you can save 20 euros.
2) I am not God, the weather is nothing to do with me.
3) If you lay in the sun without protection you will burn; if you don’t wear a bikini top someone will stare at your t*ts, get over it!
4) There is no such thing as a self-replenishing fridge – the occasional pack-of-beers, bottle of wine or bag of prawns is most appreciated.
5) I am not a taxi service, if you intend to explore the island then bring your licence and rent a car, even if it’s only for a day.
6) Switch off the damn air-conditioning in your room when you’re not in it, have you seen the electricity dial spin like mad when the air-con is on?
7) NEVER say “what are WE doing today” as you will be physically removed from the premises.
8) SuperClubs are expensive hence why they are called ‘Super’. I’m not going with you, I can’t get you guest list or free drinks and don’t wake me up at 5am when you come back in.
9) If you insist on having drinks at a frontline or sunset bar please do not complain to me that you were charged 15 euros for a gin and tonic – I really don’t care plus it’s only 5 euros in the local bars I frequent.
10) If you have enjoyed your holiday and your FREE stay with friends, why not take them out for a nice dinner? Not a pizza or a Chinese takeaway but a proper restaurant with linen tablecloths and waiters in crisp white shirts; go on, you know you can do it.
Grumpy Island Resident
Adapted from an article in the Majorca Daily Bulletin by my good friend by Frank Leavers