‘New season, new expectations’ , ‘the Big 6’, ‘pre-season transfers’, ‘management merry-go-round’ and ‘huge money contracts’…Welcome to the IBIZA PREMIER LEAGUE.

As the big kick off looms our guest blogger ‘STAN ANTONIO’ compares the English Premier League clubs to Ibiza’s premier establishments. Stan is a seasoned Ibiza veteran and describes himself as a ‘No Hit Wonder’ after his Ibiza Anthem “Sardines in Pacha” failed to trouble the record companies and chart compilers alike.

So here it is …….is your team the football equivalent of an Ibiza Superclub, bar, beach club, beach bar or swingers haunt?

Aston Villa = Any Boat Party
Enter the season knowing that their continued presence is threatened after a number of high profile players jumped ship.

Arsenal = Amnesia
Well established ever-present top-flight club with stable management. Playing staff feature strong British contingent in addition to some classy continental individuals. Smokers can be shown the door.

Bournemouth = Bora Bora
Excited seasiders, small capacity no barrier to a raucous atmosphere. Crowd not too concerned with result; just loving every moment of the ride.

Chelsea = Pacha
Stylish, cosmopolitan club who challenge for honours every year, owners probably on ‘Sunday Times’ Rich List. Midweek fixtures very busy with glory-hunting followers. Well-balanced playing staff comprised of trusty long-serving stalwarts and long-serving superstars, highest profile player somewhat divisive figure; both loved and reviled. Marquee signings sometimes flop (for Fernando Torres think ‘Wisdom of the Glove’).

Crystal Palace = Rock Bar
Small club in the capital, intimate ground with great atmosphere. Not Brendan Rodgers favourite place.

Everton = Plastik.
Proud institution, strong management who refuse to live in the shadow of their dominant (but shadow-of-their-former selves) neighbours just down the road.

Leicester = Beverly Swingers Club
Less said the better.

Liverpool = Es Paradis
Iconic ground but not the place it once was. Ineffective recruitment policy (and over-reliance on someone called Steve) has resulted in under achievement at the highest level. Home fixtures regularly played in downpours, but waterlogged pitches not a problem.

Man Utd = Privilege
The biggest club without a doubt but no longer the best. Recent glory closely linked to strong performance from big Dutch player who has since moved on. Recently showing signs of returning to former glories. Iconic building to which ‘home’ support travel hundreds of miles to attend. Enviable capacity but toilets smell bad.

Man City = Ushuaia
Early kick-off masters seemingly unrestrained by budget, have the pick of talent, but still regarded as noveau riche and although highly successful, perceived as lacking tradition.

Newcastle = Eden
Sleeping Giant suffering under often controversial ownership leading to a high turnover of management. Embark on the season with no big signings, but with a very clear PA system indeed.

Norwich = Heart
Famous chef’s hobby.

Southampton = Sankeys
Unparalleled youth policy, known for unearthing new talent who move on to bigger (but not necessarily better) clubs.Play their best game in sultry, humid conditions.

Stoke = Benimussa Park (The Zoo)
Partisan, animalistic home crowd, effective results (although can be messy at times in the middle of the park, Brian). No one enjoys going there on a wet Wednesday in late November.

Sunderland = The Highlander
Passionate and unpretentious community-based club under Irish and Dutch stewardship. Expect broad accents and even broader smiles.

Swansea =  Ocean Beach
Single-handedly flying the flag in an area not known for ‘the beautiful game’. Deliver a stylish and attractive game despite no household names playing for them.

Tottenham = DC10
Occasional flashes of brilliance after long periods of inactivity. Italian management held in high esteem for their vision. Somewhat insecure possessive tendency to regard their residents as “one of their own”.

Watford = La Torre by Mambo
New boys on the block. No expectations of silverwear, this season is all about establishing themselves in the top flight.

West Ham = Linekers
Semi-famous owners, celebrity supporters mixing with salt-of-the-Earth type geezers.Ambitious plans which don’t include Sam Allardyce or for that matter, foam parties – which is surprising, given their terrace anthem.

West Brom = Ibiza Rocks
Strong, uncompromising management guarantees perennial top flight presence, strong talent scouting. Even stronger replica shirt sales. Rightly applauded for introducing new style of playing. Exciting prospects in the ranks but strict wage ceiling limits World class signing.

Recently Relegated

Burnley = Gatecrasher
No one misses them.

Hull = Ket Cove
Recreational drug problem.

QPR = Booom!
Couldn’t remain in top flight despite high profile management and some big name transfers.

And finally the nearly men……

Derby County = San Antonio
Amazing history full of characters. Great crowds and incredible atmosphere, massive potential yet prone to disappointing even their most loyal and passionate supporters by making basic errors.

Nottingham Forest = Exodus
Manager and fans talk a great game, never gonna happen.

The crowd are on the pitch…..

Author: Martin Makepeace

Englishman living and working in Ibiza since 1991. Entrepreneur with a passion for villas, boats, sunsets and San Antonio. Read my blogs, listen to my podcasts and catch me on Radio One Mallorca every Tuesday morning.

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