Dear Friends Who Only Stay in August

Dear Valued Friend

Seeing as you can only visit and stay during the peak summer weeks (allegedly) here are the house rules…

1) You are getting a FREE holiday, if you want a lift from the airport then please don’t book a flight that arrives at 2am so you can save 40 euros.

2) I am not God, I know it’s hot – the weather is nothing to do with me (you could always visit in spring or autumn!)

3) If you lay in the sun without protection you will burn; if you don’t wear a bikini top someone will stare at your t*ts, get over it! 

4) There is no such thing as a self-replenishing fridge – the occasional pack-of-beers, bottle of wine or bag of prawns is most appreciated. 

5) I am not a taxi service, if you intend to explore the island then bring your licence and rent a car or scooter, even if it’s only for a day.

6) Switch off the air-conditioning in your room when you’re not in it, have you seen the electricity dial spin like mad when the air-con is on?

7) NEVER say “what are WE doing today” as you will be physically removed from the premises. There is no ‘we’!

8) Super Clubs are expensive hence why they are called ‘Super’. No I’m not going with you, No I can’t get you guest list nor free drinks and don’t wake me up at 5am when you come back in.

9) If you insist on having drinks at a sunset bar please do not complain to me that you were charged 18 euros for a gin and tonic – I really don’t care plus it’s only 5 euros in the local bars I frequent.

10) If you have enjoyed your holiday and your FREE stay with friends, why not take them out for a nice dinner? Not a pizza or a Chinese takeaway but a proper restaurant with tablecloths and waiters in crisp shirts; go on, you know you can do it.

Same time next year, I love you really!

Yours sincerely
Grumpy Island Resident

With special thanks to Frank Leavers